The Opposite of Fluid
by scream2Bheard16
Summary: Brittany's thoughts and feelings concerning the two people she loves the most. one-shot.


**A/N: Short little one-shot. What do you guys think? Review? Please?**

The second Brittany saw the Latina walk down the hall, her heart clenched. She couldn't believe how much she was hurting the girl, all in the name of loving Artie. Santana had put her heart out on the line, but one mistake and Brittany trampled all over it.

Brittany knew she wasn't stupid, at least not about this. She knew Santana. She knew what made the girl shut down and what made her open up. She knew that the girl loved her, so much, enough for Brittany's own heart to warm at the thought of how much Santana loved her. Brittany knew what made the girl happy, and she knew that when Santana was sad, she didn't cry, she punched, kicked, spit, and screamed. But none of that was near as bad as when Santana was scared. When Santana was scared, she said things she didn't mean, she broke hearts, she hurt herself more than anyone else.

When Santana was scared, she became a monster. She ran from herself and anyone reaching out to help. Brittany wanted so badly to reach out and grab her hand as Santana walked away from Jacob. She wanted to drag her to an empty classroom and kiss her, beg her to come out, to love her properly, to scream her adoration from the rooftops, but Brittany knew there was no use. Santana was the one who was stuck now. She was stuck in her lies, her fancy façade she conjured up to convince everyone she was strait. Brittany knew she never had Santana, Santana was as free as a songbird and as imprisoned as a criminal. She flitted around, doing whomever she pleased, but her denial of what she was feeling kept her trapped.  
>Brittany wondered what she had done that made Santana crawl back into her shell and hide, away from the truth, away from love, away from her.<br>But it wasn't only Santana that sent Brittany's mind reeling. Artie had hurt her as well. Brittany told Santana she couldn't hook up with her anymore because of Artie. She did the right thing. But Artie left before she got the chance to call her stupid. The real Artie left the moment he called Brittany stupid.  
>Brittany wondered what it was about her that made her real friends disappear, and turn instead into cruel monsters.<p>

The truth of the matter was, Brittany knew she couldn't have both of them. She knew she was going to have to choose. But as the days went by, Brittany realized she couldn't choose between the two people she loved the most. That was why she let things stay the way they were, she stayed with Artie, even though she couldn't stand to see the hurt on Santana's face whenever her and Artie were together.

It wasn't fair. Brittany didn't deserve to cry herself to sleep every night because she was in love with two people at the same time, and they both continually deserted her. She didn't deserve a boyfriend who would put up with her when she talked about a magic comb or said her cat read her diary, but called her stupid when she stood up for her best friend. She didn't deserve a girl who blamed her when she was with Artie, but refused to come out when Brittany and Artie broke up.

The truth was, Brittany wasn't really stupid. Her stupidity was a defense mechanism, created to push those people away that would ultimately hurt her. Brittany's faked stupidity was very similar to Tina's stutter or Santana's bitchiness; it was a way to separate the true friends from those who would break her heart. She built these walls, just waiting for someone to love her enough to climb and see the real her. She was protecting herself, making sure no one would destroy her inside, where it counted the most. Bruises she could handle, but heartbreak sent her reeling, betrayal made her crazy.

And yet, for the first time, Brittany realized her defense mechanism failed. Two people had been allowed access to her heart, and both of them had ripped her apart. She was tired of the tug of war, the inner-struggle, the constant reminder that neither of them were good enough for her, but she loved them anyway. She loved them blindly, passionately, and tried her hardest not to look back. But every time the clock turned 11:11, Brittany found herself wishing not for Artie or Santana, but to be free.

Sometimes Brittany wishes she could just turn her heart off and stop feeling things. She wishes she could lash out like Santana does or talk about how she feels like Artie can. Brittany may be able to admit she's in love, but when something hurts, she pretends it doesn't exist.  
>That's why, when Artie comes in singing, "Isn't She Lovely", Brittany gets up and tries to get out the door. She isn't running away in embarrassment like everyone suspects and she isn't playing hard to get. She's running away from what she's feeling. It's the same feeling Brittany got when Santana sang "Songbird". It's hope. It is this small sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, the ones she loves wouldn't hurt her this time. Maybe this time could be different, maybe, just this once, Brittany could be loved as she is, wholly, purely, and truly.<p>

Brittany feels her walls come down as Artie serenades her, and she knows, much before the song is finished, that she is going to go to prom with him. Maybe, she'll be able to convince Santana to dance one dance with her while Artie is in the bathroom or something.

Brittany knows that this can only end in heart break and pain, more sleepless night, more tears, more excuses, but she can't help it. She's in love. And it's tearing her apart.

Santana was right; Brittany is stuck, stuck between two inadequate lovers, hoping that someday, she'll be brave enough to love herself more than she loves them.


End file.
